Seasons

So I am finally giving in to the pressure of myself. I have been fighting it for a month and even became somewhat motivated to start this a couple weeks ago when it seemed to be that fellow classmates, friends, and acquaintances were expressing similar situations…Is it the time of year, maybe; the fact that I graduate in four months, part of it; the rest is all one big jumbled mess. I have tried to lay everything out, sort, and organize but I find that every time I attempt to look at the “big” picture I become engulfed with yet another intricate detail of the process. Yet another reminder to me that I am not the planner nor do I get to see the big picture. This aside…I love to plan things…I love to make semi detailed ideas/plans of how a certain scenario may play. Or what I will do when I am done with school, or for that matter how I would get to school in the first place. All different plans, different ideas…possibly my own input on the situation as if I am suggesting another option to the plan A, B, or C that I had already come up with…I plan yet another option. In this jumbled mess I have come to the accept fact that I have no plan…at a moment when a plan comes in handy, a road map if you will to the upcoming months has not found its way home to me. With this dilemma at hand I have talked to many people, people that I seek advice from, mentors, friends, family, etc., still nothing on my end…however amidst all of my planning I have recently given the advice that,” if you wait for everything to all come into place, for every piece of the puzzle to fit, it will never happen…you will never go for it. So I say, “take the plunge, dive right in” “it” what ever “it” is will fall into place, taking the initial plunge will get you there. I however, at the moment am having trouble taking this advice. I feel this way whole heartedly though, saying you are going to wait for everything to line up is like you are already agreeing to give up because you know you will always be waiting on something. Life is a journey so buckle up! I feel that so far I mine has been pretty amazing. There have been peaks and valleys and every now and then vista points to stop, embrace, and absorb the glory. But right now I am in an inner battle with my heart, God has led me on a great path so far, I would not be in Santa Barbara right now if it weren’t for Him. Yet my heart is torn, I pray and still no decision seems clear. I feel that following my heart is a good thing, as of recent…I used to think that first and for most you follow God, but during a recent study of Ecclesiastes my thoughts have changed. For if God is in your heart and He is the one you live for then following your heart is following God…right? So follow my heart…where?…I think that I have the ability to make anywhere a home, that I can go anywhere that He leads me. I have come to the point of near interrogation of myself asking so many questions that I have absolutely no answer to, the one that weighs heavy on my heart at the moment is where will I be, in physical location and business wise…will I start my own full-blown business or will I work for someone? Will stay in SB or go off the beaten path… At the moment my family and I are taking winter vacation to ski in Colorado, a decent drive from Kansas with a great soundtrack that allowed much time for thinking, planning, reading as well as much needed sleep. I am re-reading parts Donald Millers newest book, A Million Miles in a Thousand Years, some I have read before, I put it down and was unable to recall the where I left off, it is a great book full of insight and thought…. I guess this in entirety is a fear that I am not living or will not live a good story, but a longing to do so… in a chapter of his book, Donald talks about his uncles death, and how his uncle lived/told a great story. And that people never think you die to early if your not telling a good story but when your life tells a good story that is when death is nearly inconceivable. I am a planner, a committer, with out a plan to commit to…I suppose this is the part of the story where the character in the story, me, overcomes some great conflict to get what they want…So I want something…yes…it’s to bad I do not have a clear idea of what that is…I guess it’s time to overcome. Fleet Foxes Paul Simon Goals… I am a finisher; I hate starting something and not pulling through, whether or not if it is for myself…especially if it is not for myself. I am a committer, I don’t do things unless I am 100 percent into it because I absolutely despise a job half done, I am a job well done kind of girl. The thing is…is that I struggle severely with finishing books, I have five half read books on my bedside table and they all have bookmarks in randomly placed because I, for the life of me cannot finish a book. So my goal for Christmas break was to one: finish the entire stack of half read books, two: read a new one…ambitious, yes, but well worth it. So far so good, I am currently reading my semi-new book, A Million Miles in a Thousand Years; by Donald Miller…and loving it.